Honest Questions: Does the Bible Promote Patriarchy? (Ephesians 5:18-31 and 1 Corinthians 11:2-3)

It is difficult to answer this question with a simple “yes” or “no” answer. There are two reasons for this. First, the term “patriarchy” has a wide range of meanings. If we break the word down to its Latin roots, it simply means “ruling father.” The way this term is used currently shows a broader meaning. Several authors have advised that the term should be abandoned because its meaning is not widely agreed upon. Second, in our current culture, authority has a negative connotation. Authority is associated with implying inferiority and inevitably creating oppression. The idea is that if someone has authority over me, it makes me less than them and will lead them to abuse me in some way. These two factors make answering this question in a simple way tough. We run the risk of being both misunderstood and offensive. I believe that the best path forward is to look at how the Bible describes the inner workings of the family unit in its own terms. We can’t cover all of the authority structures of society. Today, we will focus on the preeminent structure of society: the family and, specifically, the relationship between husband and wife. So, to answer this question, we will look at how the Scriptures portray a godly marriage.

Big Idea: Seeing causes submission and sacrifice. The Bible promotes two key behaviors for a healthy marriage: submission and sacrifice. These are not easy things to do and need to be more valued in our current culture, which prizes individualism. A culture that elevates personal autonomy and self-satisfaction above everything else is repulsed by the concepts of submission and sacrifice. These two behaviors run in conflict with our inherent selfishness. No one in this room will find these two practices easy. Thankfully, these actions are rooted in a simpler and more manageable behavior: seeing. When we look at our spouse with the right eyes, the right behavior feels less burdensome. Let’s examine Paul’s teaching on marriage in the book of Ephesians to learn how seeing our spouse correctly will aid us in submitting and sacrificing for them.

Ephesians 5:22-24, “22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

In our passage today, Paul discusses the importance of submission and sacrifice. Both of these behaviors are expected of all Christians, male and female. In marriage, Paul emphasizes one behavior for husbands and the other for wives. This doesn’t mean that both husbands and wives don’t submit and sacrifice in some way to each other. The distinct roles a husband and wife are called to fulfill require Paul to emphasize a particular posture for each. In these three verses, Paul calls wives to submit to their husbands. He is instructing them to follow the leadership of their spouse. Before we unpack what that submission looks like, let’s first note the root of this behavior.

Notice how Paul does not ground the wife’s submission in her husband's qualifying characteristics. Her submission is “as to the Lord.” She is to see beyond her spouse and see her Savior. He is the one calling her to follow him. Christ is the ultimate focus of her submission, and her husband is the recipient of the blessing of her obedience to Christ. Paul expands on what the wife should see in her submission in verse 23. She is to see the beauty of God’s creation and the comparison of the church’s submission to Christ.

Paul grounds the concept of submission in creation when he states, “for the husband is the head of the wife.” Paul is appealing to the order God set up in the beginning. The idea of “headship” carries with it the sense of authority. This is how Paul used the term earlier in this letter.

Ephesians 1:20-23, “that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, 21 far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. 22 And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.”

In these verses, Paul is speaking about how God the Father has given Christ a place of authority over all things. The husband has a position of authority in his family by God’s design. Paul was not just accommodating to the Greco-Roman concept of male leadership in the home in Ephesians 5. The second way in which Paul grounds submission makes this clear. Paul encourages wives to see their submission as reflecting the Church’s relationship to Christ. Paul doesn’t appeal to the culture as grounds for submission, but rather creation and the gospel. Christ loves the Church and sacrifices Himself for the Church. The Church finds great joy in following their sacrificial savior. Paul wants wives to see the brilliance of God’s design and the beauty of the gospel in their submission to their husbands.

Let’s unpack the concept of biblical submission because this term can be viewed negatively. First, biblical submission is not forced. It is voluntary. It is a gift that a wife offers to her husband on their wedding day. The voluntary nature of submission is seen in the verb form that Paul used in Colossians 3. Colossians 3:18 says, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” Paul used the middle voice for the word submit, emphasizing the voluntary nature of this action. We could translate it as “wives submit yourselves.” Also, we will see later that the husband is not called to “submit” his wife but rather to sacrifice himself for her.

Second, submission doesn’t imply inferiority. The “headship” language used here in describing a husband's relationship to his wife is also used to describe Christ's relationship to God the Father.

1 Corinthians 11:2-3, “Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you. 3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”

Christ is not inferior to the Father. He is an equal member of the Trinity. He is fully God as the Father is fully God, yet they have different roles. We see Christ submit to the will of His Father in His earthly ministry.

Third, submission doesn’t mean that a wife should not try to change her husband's mind. The apostle Peter highlights this point for us in his first letter.  1 Peter 3:1-2, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” In these verses Peter describes a husband and wife who disagree on the truthfulness of the gospel message (the Word). The wife is encouraged to see that her behavior may change his mind.

Fourth, submission doesn’t mean following your husband into sin. This would be an act of disobedience and break the logic Paul has put before us in seeing submission as being first “to the Lord” in verse 22.

Submission is a challenging assignment, and so is the next one. Husbands also get a tough assignment. Paul calls husbands to sacrifice themselves for their wives. Their leadership is to take the form of servanthood. Husbands are instructed to see the cross of Christ as their model for leadership.

Ephesians 5:25-31, “25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

The phrase “gave Himself up” should be understood as referring to Christ’s atoning death on the cross. This is the sacrifice that made the Church “holy.” A husband is called to see beyond his spouse and see Christ's loving sacrifice for the church. A man is called to picture his death in leading his family, not his dominance. When a man finds a wife, he doesn’t find someone who will now give him all he wishes, but rather the one he is willing to lay his life on the line for. The husband doesn’t sit on the royal throne of the family but rather hangs on Golgotha’s cross for his family. Sacrifice is the mark of his leadership, not subjection.

It is interesting to note which portion of Paul’s paragraph here would surprise readers the most based on their historical position. In first-century Greco-Roman culture, a wife's “submission” would not be alarming, but a husband sacrificing himself for his wife would be. The opposite is probably true for the modern reader.

The language of headship was not foreign to Paul’s first-century readers. The analogy of a leader, whether a husband or governing official, being the “head” was not uncommon. Nero, the emperor, was called the “head of Rome.” Paul skillfully used an analogy with which his readers were familiar but in a very unfamiliar way. The way Paul describes the “head,” the husband, acting would be considered foolish and improper. Naturally, the head should not sacrifice itself for any other body part. The head would be foolish to throw itself into the fire for the sake of the arm. If you lose your arm, you may be severely handicapped for the rest of your life, but if you lose your head, you’re dead. Paul is describing the behavior of the head in almost suicidal terms. The people of Rome were expected to love and sacrifice for Nero, their “head.” Paul reverses this concept and calls on husbands to love and sacrifice for their wives. This unnatural and alarming use of a common metaphor shows the radical nature of godly leadership. It is a complete reversal of what was expected and practiced. Leaders serve their people.

I want to note two important things about a husband’s sacrificial leadership in this passage. First, the analogy of Christ’s love for the Church shows the importance of a husband taking initiative in his home. Second, the body metaphor shows the unity the husband is to have in mind when leading his family. Christ moved in love toward us before we moved toward Him in love. Christ took the initiative in His relationship with the Church. I believe this portrays the initiative Paul wishes to see from a husband toward his wife. Practically, I think this means a husband should use the word “let’s” a lot: “Honey, let’s pray together,” “Let’s go to counseling and work on our issues,” “Let’s join a small group at church,” or “Love, let’s go on a date.” I think this sense of initiative also applies to confession, forgiveness, conflict resolution, and spiritual growth. Husbands, we should be the first to listen, apologize, admit our mistakes, and organize family devotion time. We take this initiative for the sake of the unified health of our marriage and all those in our families. The head isn’t in a good place if the body is unhealthy, nor is the body in a good place if the head is unhealthy. We are to “nourish” and “cherish” our wives for the benefit of each other.

I must admit, as a husband and father, this is a challenging assignment. I’m often convicted that I don’t see my wife like Christ sees the Church. Christ found joy in the suffering of the cross because it would bring about spiritual life for His Church. As a husband, I know my greatest joy should come from serving my spouse and caring for her needs. My greatest joy should not be rooted in how she serves me but in how I serve her.

Submission and sacrifice are difficult. Both of these behaviors run contrary to our inherent selfishness. How can we do these things? Where can we find the energy to die to ourselves and live for the good of our spouses? We need to take a grammatical journey to find the answer to this question. We will have to nerd out for a bit, but trust me, it's worth it. The grammatical structure of the four verses before the first section we read guides us back to the source of power for fulfilling these commands. It’s like we are journeying up a river to find its source. Two textual clues show us we must continue upriver to understand what Paul is communicating fully.

Ephesians 5:18-22, “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

Our first clue is in verse 22. The word “submit” is not in the Greek text. It should be in the translation of the text because the verbal idea before this verse, “submitting,” is meant to be inserted. A Greek reader at that time would have inserted that verb themselves. In Greek, a sentence would often only include a subject and an object with no verb. This shorthand would save space, and the verb would be the last action mentioned, which in this case is “submitting.” This construction conceptually connects the broader practice of submission to the more specific form of submission between a husband and a wife. The second grammatical clue, which informs us that we need to go further up the river, is the nature of the verb form used in verse 21. The “submitting” is a verbal idea expressed as a participle. A participle is dependent on a main verb. The main verb for the participle, “submitting,” is found in verse 18, “be filled.” The fountainhead of all the actions described in verses 19 to 31 is the filling of the Spirit. We can see beyond our spouse and focus on the relationship between Christ and the Church and, therefore, submit and sacrifice accordingly because the Spirit fills us. Only the Holy Spirit can tame the selfish passions of our hearts. Only the Holy Spirit can alter our vision of our spouse and cause us to see the delight of submission and sacrifice.

Seeing causes submission and sacrifice; only the Holy Spirit can help you see your spouse properly. I have seen and been the victim of selfishness in a marriage. My father was married four times, and his last wife, my mother, had to flee that marriage because of abuse. He did not see my mom as Christ saw the Church. Christ doesn’t abuse the Church. He suffers for the Church. Biblical headship and authority are never grounds for abuse and neglect. When my wife and I were first engaged, I struggled with not having a biblical example of manhood from my father. I was terrified that I wouldn’t know how to love my soon-to-be wife as God wanted me to. Reading this passage showed me that I had a living example of how to love my wife, which was Christ’s love for the Church.

After reading this passage, both husbands and wives should feel the enormous weight of the role they are each called to. The expectation of submission and sacrifice to the degree mentioned here is daunting. Praise God that by His Holy Spirit, we can meet these expectations and serve our spouses in these ways. I invite you to ask God the Holy Spirit to fill you so you can see your spouse in the way described and serve them appropriately. I want you to imagine a game of Pictionary. In this game, there are no markers to draw with. Your actions toward your spouse form the picture you are creating. The audience is your family and friends. Would they guess that your marriage was meant to be a picture of God’s gospel love? Answering that question thoughtfully may help you see the need to pray for the Holy Spirit to do a new work in you.

Life-Level Application

Head: Read Colossians 3:18-25. How does obedience to the Lord relate to obeying the different authorities mentioned in this passage? How does God view our disobedience to these authorities? In verses 19, 21, and 22, Paul tells different groups what not to do. How would you put these negative descriptions in your own words?

Heart: Read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. How does Paul describe the function of authority in marriage? What is the significance of Paul's emphasis on what one gives to one's spouse rather than what one can get from one's spouse?

Hand: Read 1 Peter 3:1-7. How does Peter describe the inner beauty of a wife? In what way can our marital life affect our spiritual life?

Habit: Read John 13:34. How does your love for others fall short of how Jesus loves you? What practical steps can you take to increase your love for those around you?